Poetry

Countdown, 3 (364.)

Top 10 Ways to Succeed on a Dating App

1. Love hiking.
1.b. Sweet Jesus, love hiking.
2. Love dogs.
2.b. No really, if you don’t love dogs, you have close to no chance.
3. Follow at least one sports ball.
4. Be the funniest person alive.
4.b. You’d better be good at typing messages.
5. Keep things brief – no fluff.
6. But also, go deep as fast as you can – small talk is a dime a dozen.
7. Be quirky, but not too quirky! ThAt ScArEs PeOpLe!
8. This one is actually #1 or #2: LOVE SKIING AND/OR SNOWBOARDING. NOW.
8.b./1.b./2.b. I’m not joking, get outside or die alone.
9. Grow 6 inches taller. Yes, be tall, or die alone.
10. Be yourself, but only the best, most presentable version of yourself.
10.b. Your self had better be at least semi-successful.
10.c. Missing paperwork, life skills, or other bullshit western milestones? Die alone.

There you have it: a definitive guide to dating apps.
If you can bring your well-loved dog on a hike while cracking jokes
and getting to the core of important issues at a brisk pace,
as you discuss your favorite sports ballers
on the way to your favorite slope,
and you’re tall af along the way,
with all the right gear that looks expensive
(but also well-loved ’cause you’re REAL
and you ACTUALLY GO OUTSIDE),
then congratulations: you might go on a second date.
Thanks for reading, and good luck out there.

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