Countdown, 8 (359.)

I’m eating coffee chocolate chip ice cream at 1 AM.
Holy shit, it’s 1 AM.
It doesn’t feel like 1 AM. It feels like 11 PM, or midnight.

Somehow this is supposed to make the food choice all right.

I somehow dislike writing that now, because it sounds like alt-right.

I’m sorry for putting this connection in your brain.

So yes, now I think it might be alright to write alright.

I don’t feel like food is filling me the way it should.
Weirdly hollow, and cracked and broken.
That’s me my body.
Tired, with terrible posture that requires too much energy to fix.

I remember her from a relationship she shared with a former friend of mine years ago.
I remember her from a relationship she had with an acquaintance of mine years ago.
I remember her because she dated an old friend of mine years ago. I call him an old friend because we’re not friends anymore.
What the hell do you call a person with whom you were friends once, years ago, but with whom you haven’t spoken in years, because you never made the effort to remain connected, so your friendship fizzled out naturally, over time, and it really isn’t a tragedy but it is an indicator that things change on their own?

For that matter, let’s get to her.
Weird aside: I’m pretty sure I followed her on Instagram a while back, but unfollowed her for some reason or another. Maybe I thought it was weird that I was more interested in her than my old friend.
Is that actually weird, though? What’s a better persuasive element than some kind of attraction?

’cause that’s what it is. Attraction. You (I’m pointing at myself here) found her attractive, even when she was with that old friend. And in your brain, that’s bad, because you were also in a relationship with someone at the time. “Oh no, how could you find someone who’s not your significant other attractive or interesting?” Massive sarcasm attack.

That’s the thing, isn’t it? That’s the thing that’s bothering you. That you’ve harbored countless attractions all these years and never spoken them aloud. Because they’re seriously like raindrops in a storm. There are so many, and you just … don’t know what to do with them.

So they sit. Unspoken. Festering. Waiting. For nothing. Because you’re too cowardly to say them.
SPEAK. They’re real, aren’t they?

You’ve said it a million times. You have crushes on everyone. It’s not a lie. It’s kind of your one shining truth, actually. And yet you worry about it. Why worry now?

Because the one bridge to her is someone you knew.

Did you really know him?

No. Of course you didn’t. You didn’t know anyone apart from your now ex-girlfriend and your family.
So why is it so hard for you to move him out of the way?

She hasn’t been with him in like five years, dude. You’ve been single for, fuck, three years now? Go. Be attracted to whoever!


It’s bullshit. Is there a word for all the connections that go unmade because we think that people can only be shared with one significant other? It happens all too often. Someone you know gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and they become that person’s other half. To the point that you don’t really know where one ends and the other begins. They’re not really individuals, not anymore.

Or maybe that’s the lie you tell yourself. Maybe you should make better efforts to build bridges.

Yet monogamy is super important around here. Even you want to learn one person, inside and out.
So like, be careful with bridges. Sometimes people make boundaries so their bridges are the most important. And you need to respect the bridge builders, above all.

Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah.

So yeah, I remember her. She likes video games and books and all the nerdy shit you like. And you always thought she was pretty. She is pretty. You’re attracted to her.

That’s right. Present tense. You’ve seen pictures of her online, recent ones, and she’s still pretty. So you have a crush on her.

You have to reach out to build a bridge.
You have to use your hands and your voice to summon that first stone.
You have to make yourself known to build something.

Do it. Speak it. Say it. “I’m interested in you.” That’s all it takes.
“Hey, do you wanna grab coffee sometime?”
Just do it.


Do it.
It’s okay, to desire another person.


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